by Megan Caruthers
Before having a baby, I literally had no f*ing idea what *actually* went into being a mom, or just how… insane?! Postpartum is. Hell - even for some of my closest friends who became moms before me… I just had NO idea without the context of my own (and have since apologized for my lack of understanding…!!).
Before becoming a mom, if I saw a mom out with her kids, the thoughts that crossed my mind were probably limited to 1 second of “aw cute kids” or “damn those kids are wild;” and then I would go about my day. I never, ever would have thought about how many hours of sleep that mom had gotten the night before, the level of effort required to get out of the house that day, if her baby is colicky, if she and her husband are bickering, if her nipples are sore and cracked, if she feels sad, if she feels lonely, if she is staying up watching the monitor, if she’s worried about money or how much her baby is getting to eat, if she has been able to shower today, if she’s stressing about going back to work, losing the pregnancy weight. Is she still in diapers? Bleeding? Is she worrying about being a good mom? Is she sad that her relationship with her partner feels different? Is she feeling guilty for asking herself these types of questions? Is she anxious, tired, overwhelmed? Is she getting any help? Is she wondering if she’ll ever feel herself again? There is so much under the surface that I just had no idea about. And I would say that just about sums up my postpartum experience.
I went into it naïve, oblivious. Thinking c-section recovery would be a piece of cake (“I have a high pain tolerance!”), thinking my baby would be sleeping 12 hours by week 3 (LOL), that breastfeeding would be easy, that I would start hobbies and maybe even a company on my mat leave, that I would be living in a constant state of bliss.
Part of this was because I saw having my baby as the “relief” I so needed after 9 months of barfing. Part of this was because I think a lot of women are afraid to be honest about how they actually felt postpartum, because we feel we should be 100% grateful, happy, in love, connected with our baby 24/7 and nothing else. And I felt like this was sort of the message I received - on social media, but also from friends and colleagues who I think:
1) don’t want to scare me or
2) possibly forgot?!
Because honestly I can see how easy it is to block out - I already want another!!!
Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely DID have those feelings. I love my son so f*ing much it hurts. I would lay down my life for him. He’s the best thing that has ever happened to me, and these 6 months with him have truly been the best 6 months of my entire life. AND! I have a great and helpful partner. AND! My baby has been generally so easy (besides some scary health stuff at month 2). BUT! Anxiety, worry, sadness, loneliness can and did ALSO exist for me alongside the gratefulness, happiness, love, connectedness, great partner, and happy baby.
For example, on day 8 of my baby’s life, I called my best friend sobbing (who was already a mom of 2), so so so so worried that something was terribly wrong with me because I didn’t feel connected to my baby yet. I felt angry at my husband, annoyed by anyone who wanted to visit and “help” (eyeroll….), frustrated every time my baby would cry. I literally had the thought “what have I done to my life?!” And that really, really scared me. I was supposed to ONLY feel happy, connected, on cloud 9. How could I be feeling this way?! Well guess what. Those feelings, turns out, are ENTIRELY normal. And they did pass! Man did they pass. So now, I want to shout from the rooftops - IT IS OK IF YOU DON’T FEEL HAPPY OR LIKE YOU THOUGHT YOU “SHOULD.” Your life has totally changed!!! You have a new little life to take care of!! You are figuring it out!!! Your hormones are going wild!!! You’re probably leaking!! Bleeding!!! Worrying!!! Your partner is now playing a new role too!!! Shit is absolutely insane!!! But it. Will. Pass. Even if it takes medication to help it pass (lord knows I needed it!!). And then holy shit…. Holy shit a new way of living happens and you have no idea how you ever lived without this little person before. Your heart explodes 10k times per day. The leaking nipples, tiny cries, hair pulls and midnight feedings you somehow miss. And you’ll want another. And another!
So I’ll end with this. Feel your tiredness, your worry, your sadness. Grieve your old life. Let these big, raw emotions wash over you. Know how normal these feelings are. Then, put your baby in the stroller and get outside. Put some music on. Take some breaths & come back to who you are. When you get home, take some photos of those tiny fingers. Take a voice memo of their little sounds as they drink. Squeeze their little rolls. You created this magical little being. You are doing f*ing AMAZING. You are the best mama to that little babe.
A journal entry I wrote on day 8 of my baby’s life:
12/8/21 (omg I can remember writing this so vividly!!) “Today I am feeling some residual overwhelment from yesterday. Calum is a week + 1 day old. He is so precious, I love him so so much. But if I’m honest, I didn’t realize the amount of work that went in, only to watch him sleep 90% of the time. It feels like Groundhog Day. Sleepless nights, make bottle, feed, burp, change, finish feed, maybe change again, down, clean bottle, sleep maybe, try to pump, clean pump parts, try to clean up (myself or the house), try to find time to connect with lane and make Benji feel loved, rinse and repeat every 3 hours. I feel so guilty because this is what I wanted and I know so many people want this and don’t or can’t have it. Lane told me he thought newborn stage would be easy. He said he feels like this is just a dream. I told him I feel the exact same way and it scares me. He said he is overwhelmed but we are in it together and gave me a bear hug. It made me sob, snot was dripping down my face. He then sat with me as i fed calum. My nerve pain fucking hurts and scares me. I have some feelings of grieving my old life and I feel so guilty. It was easy before. So easy. But I am hopeful that this new life will be even more wonderful once we give it some time. I talked to Laura about it (I was nervous to) and she was so encouraging. Said she felt the same, mark felt that way for 3 months, it gets easier and it gets better. Why do they make it seem so easy and dream like on tv? Why do the people who have the instant connection have the loudest voices? It makes everyone else feel like shit. God, please be with lane and I. Please help us do our best these first few months. Help me to be honest and direct with lane; help him to be honest with me. But to keep trying to connect with this new little life. To keep showing up. Please bless our marriage and help us to come out stronger than ever. I know it can be done. Thank you God for giving us this little life to raise together. Please help my mom’s help this week give lane and I the chance to connect and feel a sense of normalcy. Or to discover what new normal will feel like. A better normal…hopefully.
Megan's story is part of our Rewrite Postpartum series. To share your own story, use the button below.
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